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An abusive environment while growing up can intensity that feeling of having to use a fine toothed comb to examine everything you do. And 100% of abused people blame themselves for something that happened to them that was not their fault.I read through Gareth's post about when the time comes for us pet parents to let go of our babies, and this part really got to me:
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He spoke of being proud of those who've made that decision but I am not proud of myself, I've always been hyper-critical of myself. I've always felt unworthy of being loved. Maybe it's because of being raised in an abusive environment. I always, since childhood, preferred the company of animals to people.
I always examined myself with a fine tooth comb, questioning my every move. When Pumpkin died, I asked myself (more than before he died) was I REALLY good enough for him? Did I truly deserve the blessing of having him in my life? I had many physical and mental health issues to deal with over the years and I just wanted him to know how much I loved him, I said this to him every single day, multiple times each day because as a child, I rarely heard those words.
As a child, I was determined that if I was to have my own children (I never did, cancer took that choice away from me) I would tell them as often as possible how much they were loved. Pumpkin wasn't my human child but I still thought of him as my baby.
Even as often as I'd get stressed out over things that were out of my control, I still loved him with all of my heart. I wish I could tell him this one more time. I need to hug him once more. Snuggle once more. Say "I love you" once more.
There I go again, I feel like I'm rambling. I am still a hot mess. I miss him.
If you knew someone you cared about, and they had a cat they loved with all their hearts that was experiencing the same problems as Pumpkin, what would you say to them? This helped me when I was dealing with my pets I've lost, because I was so critical of myself for not being the perfect owner all my life, and for not being able to cure them. I knew if anyone else was dealing with the same thing with a beloved pet, I would feel intense empathy and support for them.
While I didn't always have the strength to reply, I read quite a few posts here on the crossing the bridge forum. I read stories from people who were feeling the same pain and helplessness I felt. It helped me understand that I wasn't alone.
You are not rambling. And there is no harm in saying goodnight to his urn, his photos, and reminding him that you love him. Something he already knows very well.